ON THE BOX
Sydney Morning Herald
Saturday July 18, 2009
SATURDAYGOLFFox Sports 2, 6-9am. US PGA Tour. US Bank Championship. Second round.BASEBALLESPN, 9am-noon. Major League. Detroit v NY Yankees.HOCKEYFox Sports 3, 11am-4.30pm. Women's Champions Trophy. China v England. Australia v the Netherlands from 1. Argentina v Germany from 3.AFLChannel Ten, Fox Sports 1, 2-5pm. Carlton v Sydney. Fox Sports Plus (518), 2-5pm. Geelong v Melbourne.RUGBYABC1, 3-5pm. Shute Shield. Eastern Suburbs v Randwick.LEAGUEFox Sports 2, 3-9.30pm. NRL. Panthers v Raiders (Toyota Cup) from 3. Panthers v Raiders (first grade) from 5.30. Sharks v Sea Eagles from 7.30.RUGBYChannel Seven, Fox Sports 3, 5.30-7.30pm. Bledisloe Cup. New Zealand v Australia.AFLFox Sports Plus (518), 7-10pm. Collingwood v Hawthorn. Fox Sports 1, 7.30-10.30pm. Fremantle v Brisbane.CRICKETSBS1, Fox Sports 3, 8pm-3am. The Ashes. Second Test. Day three. David Johnson. Richard Sterne. Frank Hu. George Miliotis. John Widmayer. To that stirring roll call of names no one recognises, largely because we just made them up, can now be added Con Gas, a man destined to go down in history as "the Ryszard Kapuscinski of Australian sports journalism", or if not, as "Con Gas". This week Gas brings his inimitable blend of full stops, vowels, consonants and commas to bear on the subject of Mitchell Johnson, thereby creating a series of archly arranged word-structures he eccentrically terms "sentences". This "piece" first appeared in the Dolls Point Allgemeine Zeitung, and was the subject of numerous pre-publication fact-checking calls that Gas did not return. "From the moment I first espy Mitchell Johnson, Mitch for short, standing in the nets at Lord's, I can tell he's hungry for meat. Fresh meat. Fresh meat that he will then cook, perhaps over charcoal with a leafy salad accompaniment and a glass of jammy, plummy Grenache from the Adelaide hills, or hillocks, depending on how many syllables you want to use to describe them. He's waited years for this opportunity the opportunity to be set loose on the Poms, these whingeing bastards with faces like something ugly-looking and teeth that could be used to fill the mouth of an unattractive person. When I ask him how it feels to be tossing it up against England, dropping it short, losing his line, not having any rhythm, and going for 10-odd an over, he smiles, baring his teeth and growling, before pawing the ground and making a "Nnnnnggggggg, nnnnnnnggggggg" noise reminiscent of the mating call of the now-extinct red-bellied gracile opossum, or the Hispaniolan edible rat. Yep, he's up for this Ashes series, baby. Johnson's back story is a compelling one. Grew up in Queensland. Went to school. Played cricket. Still plays cricket. That's kind of it. In truth, it's a story that's being repeated all over Australia, every day of every week of every millennium, only, without the bit where people keep playing cricket after school, largely because most blokes these days would rather spend their time on the bloody Xbox or checking Facebook, like a bunch of bloody fairies. Tagged early in his career by no less a figure than the great, late (in terms of punctuality) Dennis Lillee as a "once-in-a-generation bowler", a "twice-in-a-generation number eight", and "probably the fourth or fifth member of his generation to be named "Mitchell Johnson", Johnson has always seemed to struggle with the weight of expectation. On the first day's play at Lord's, his arm dropped lower than the Netherlands, or the bottom of the Megalong Valley, or Death Valley, or the other bits mentioned in the Wikipedia entry on places below sea level. It hurt to watch him bowl that day it was like Phil Drummond failing to deal with a quarrel between Arnold and Willis, or Nudge going over to the Kellys' house and not eating everything in the fridge. So that whole wickets in South Africa thing a bit of a fluke, after all? "What? Nah," Johnson says, nonchalantly shrugging in a way that's at once laconic and quintessentially Australian and kind of shruggy. Truth be known, he's a quiet bloke, our Mitch. Loves a beer and a bet. Plays a guitar with a fret. Looks good in a hat. Owns a yoga mat. Along with a little cat. But of all his traits, it's the tongue stud, this glistening orb of muscular, unapologetic, oh-yeah, mmmmm hmmmmm seks-yoo-al-i-tay, that most obviously marks him out as a modern cricketer. Rings, studs and leather are everywhere in cricket now: it's a scientifically proven fact that not one player in this year's IPL had unpierced nipples. So would Mitch ever get work done "down there"? "No, not at all. Look mate, I'm trying to bowl. Can you go away?" And then he is off again, charging down the pitch. Look out, Poms. This bloke's travelling light. I need a beer."GOLFFox Sports 2, 9.30pm-4.30am. British Open. Third round.FOOTBALLSetanta Sports, 10pm-midnight. Russian Premier League. Rubin v CSKA Moscow.CYCLINGSBS2, 10pm-2.30am. Tour de France. Stage 14.AND ON RADIO2KY, noon-midnight. Racing.702 ABC, noon-3.30am. Grandstand. Includes Carlton v Sydney from 2, All Blacks v Wallabies from 5.30, Sharks v Sea Eagles from 7.30 and Ashes from 9.30.SUNDAYFOOTBALLESPN, 3-5am. MLS. Houston Dynamo v Toronto FC.BASEBALLFox Sports 1, 6-9.30am. Major League. Atlanta v NY Mets.GOLFFox Sports 2, 6-9.30am. US Bank Championship. Third round.FOOTBALLSetanta Sports, 7-9am, 10am-noon. CONCACAF Gold Cup. Quarter-finals. Canada v Honduras. USA v Panama from 10.HOCKEYFox Sports 3, 10am-3.30pm. Women's champions trophy. Fifth v sixth play-off from 10. Third-place play-off from noon. Final from 2.LEAGUEFox Sports 2, 11.45am-4pm. NRL. Roosters v Warriors (Toyota Cup) from 11.45. Roosters v Warriors (first grade) from 2.AFLFox Sports 1, 1-7.30pm. Port Adelaide v West Coast. St Kilda v Adelaide from 4.30. Channel Seven, 2-5pm. Richmond v North Melbourne.LEAGUEChannel Nine, 4-6pm. NRL. Tigers v Cowboys.MOTOR SPORTFox Sports 2, 6.45-11.30pm. German Moto GP.GOLFFox Sports 1, 7.30pm-4.30am. British Open. Final round.CRICKETSBS1, Fox Sports 3, 8pm-3am. The Ashes. Second Test. Day four.CYCLINGSBS2, 10pm-2.30am. Tour de France. Stage 15.AND ON RADIO702 ABC, noon-3.30am. Grandstand. Includes Sydney Roosters v NZ Warriors (first half only) from 2, Wests Tigers v Cowboys from 3, and the Ashes cricket from 7.30.
© 2009 Sydney Morning Herald
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